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Seeking Help

15 October 2018

I'm sittinghere in the VA psych unit, a place I never thought I'd be. My ego has always told me I had to do everything on my own. Asking for help was always taboo; at least the kind of help I really needed. I knew if I said the wrong thing to the wrong person, they would walk away from me, abandon me, and leave me on my own again. I had to be selectively honest. I had to change myself into the person I thought others wanted me to be. I had to put a smile on my face, so no one would ever ask me what was wrong, and look at me as less than. I had to get what I could from you, then push you away before you could hurt me. My walls were so thick, I became numb. I lost me. I then started hating me for the person I was turning into. I ran from those emotions and the carnal worldly lifestyle of addictions became my safety net, I could always count on them. They would never leave me. I could find them anywhere. This was my mentality for many years.
Becoming sober was an amazing gift from God, because I can now see the positive side of the things I have been through. Yeah, it's been really tough, and I truly have had a hard time releasing some of the pain from past traumas, resentments of others, and forgiving myself for my past actions. Coming to this psych unit was the best thing for my sobriety, even at 20 months sober. I tend to be very stubborn and tough headed, and the way I learn lessons is usually by sledgehammers to the face from God (metaphorically of course). I am learning many more positive coping mechanisms, and I have been triggered to my past traumas, and am finally ready to get the intensive therapy needed to let these things go to God, and learning to be completely honest with the people who can help me. I know the things I've been through, and are still going through, will be worth it, because it is helping me to really work to appreciate the good things in life, and help others who still need a guiding hand to get back to a life of positivity and connection to others and to God.

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