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Finding Love for Myself and Being a Woman

 I find myself still struggling with what it means to be a woman. There seems to be a core wound inside me that is influencing  my self worth, relationships, and how I view the world in general. I know that it comes from my childhood trauma, yet I am not quite sure how to access it. 

I have been taught about mother  Eve, and Mary, and other women beloved of God, but I do not feel like one of them. I have a lot of faith that God loves me, and I know after this life, I will be healed, I am just not  sure how to access that healing here, although confusingly i have seen so many layers of healing already in my life through the power of the Atonement via mental health help, overcoming addictions, releasing resentments, building healthier relationships and other things. I know the doctors have given healing  with the different surgeries (I know many are still in the future, but I have already been healed a ton.)

Even though I see all this, there is still this huge knot inside that I cannot quite untangle. I still don't love myself, and I have a hard time receiving  love, or accepting  in, from the people who care about me. I know I have worth in how I can help others, I can empathize with them, listen, support them, and help them find resources to help them heal, yet I do not find that same love and compassion for myself. I still feel like a victim, I still feel like a lost little girl who is playing the chameleon to get by. Then whenever I use my voice, and it is not received my people, I feel like my world is breaking down, and I have to justify my feelings, thought  or emotions, because if you don't understand it, I will never get my needs met of  acceptance. I am not sure why I am still stuck on this acceptance piece.

I have been stuck in the loops of not feeling attractive, hating my scars, stretchmarks, and weight. I have been seeking validation from my husband, and when he doesn't give it to me, I feel small, and insecure, worried when he is going to find someone that he is attracted to, and leave me. (Even though I highly doubt that would happen.) I feel disdain every time i have my period. I know this stems from many things: not having my womanhood celebrated as a teenager, and the arrival of it coincides with some sexual abuse, and later to rape. I learned that my body was a sign of male attraction, because they didn't see me as a person, only my body. I also have hated that part of womanhood because I wont be having children and I feel that makes me less of a woman, because growing up, my worth was placed on when I would be a mom and have kids.

There are many more layers to this and I am sure I will add to this blog later, I just  wanted to get some of it written down. For now, I know that God is healing me one day at a time, and that I am in the right place now to get some new tools to find peace. 

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